The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
