dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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