Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
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I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
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But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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