I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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