Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
