I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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