Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
