Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
