WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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