My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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