were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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