Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize