So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
