i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Randomize
