So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
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