We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
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You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
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Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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