the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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