I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats