Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.