I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?