I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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