I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
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