my phone needs a breathalizer
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
