She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
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