Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
