It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
