I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
you told grandpa to call you daddy
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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