Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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