this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Randomize
