I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
