Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
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