What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Randomize
