Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
My life is pants optional.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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