Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Randomize
