I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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