Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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