so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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