woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
