I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
What drink are we having for lunch?
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
