My friends, they love my intelligence
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
