so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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