I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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