...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Randomize
