I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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