someone threw a dead crab at me
I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
