my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Randomize
