I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
