She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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