do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
