I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
