I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
