Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Randomize
