weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
