My Higher Power is John Stamos
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
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