I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Randomize
