Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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