In the future we'll all be gay
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
