Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
