We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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