Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
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