how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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