dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
