You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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